"You know, people on TV use that term closure a lot. I personally never use that. I just don't think closure exists when you have experienced a loss,..."
That line was told by Anderson Cooper yesterday on 360˚, it struck and hit me deeply.
This is about my first child, the child that grew, fed, cried and kicked inside of me. The child that I felt but was never touched by my hands. The child that I never saw. This may seem odd to some but I really haven't gotten over her yet. "It's okay, she's a stillborn, she's in heaven now, she's your angel, what's more painful is losing a grown up kid," that was what everyone told me but it's not true. I look okay and doing fine on the outside but deep inside, well, it's a whole lot different.
My husband took a picture of Patricia, that was her name, and told me that he'd let me see it if I promised him that I would not cry – I haven't seen her picture yet. And it's been 8 years. It's her birthday tomorrow.
Some people say that I should look at her picture, say my goodbyes to her and cry 'til I can't cry no more. Just to have that closure that everyone's talking about. The truth is I don't think that I'll ever experience that closure, I don't think I want to. I'm afraid that if do get it, I might forget her. And it happens, sometimes I do forget about her, I used to think about her all the time, but now as the years go by, I think about her less and less. I don't want that to happen. If that closure would mean moving on with my life and not think about her...I don't want that. It's the only memory I have about her so i want to cling to it as long as I can. Painful, yes...but it's the only way I know to remember her always. She's in God's hands now, I know, but everytime I think about her, I couldn't help but cry. My heart still bleeds. I don't think it will ever stop.
This is a line from the very first blog entry on my other account that I made last year. I still feel the same way. We had no closure, I haven't said my goodbyes to her yet and I don't think I can, part of me was buried with her when she died.
4 comments:
As a mother myself, no one can tell you have to grieve a loss so great. My heart is with you.
I'm so sorry. I truly believe that sometimes there isn't closure. I think there is acceptance and a desire to go on with life, but never and end to the hurt you feel. There is nothing wrong with remembering her and thinking about her. There is also nothing wrong with not always thinking of her either. No one,including her, would ever want you to spend all your days thinking of her and not being able to live life. There is a balance there and you can seek it out and find one that makes you feel ok. I have never lost a child and I do not have any (I can't have any) but I think I can understand in my heart the potential that was there.... I understand the loss of something you'll never have. But, things do get better. I'll say a prayer for you and wish you only the best. (From one Anderfan to another! :) )
i am so sorwie for your loss.for some people closure comes easily and to others it doesn't come at all...i don't think that making it a point to remember or forget is a bad thing...and like lisa said there is a balance that should be found and that helps you to move on.i'm not a mom and i've never had a baby...but i do know what its like to lose someone and to lose someone tragically and it hurts and it aches..and their memory is etched on your soul forever and while that is something that we learn to live with and deal with things do get better and time heals all wounds.
my thoughts and prayers are with you.
*hugs*
thank you for the kind words.
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