I knew it was a mistake when I decided to go with my mother to attend a
cousin’s birthday yesterday. But I was angry, I wasn’t thinking right
when I made the decision. I had a little outburst that morning, I wanted to get away, I wanted to escape…Fifteen minutes later, halfway to Balingasa, it’s where they live, I wanted to turn around and head straight to Glorietta, sobrang layo ng Monumento, grabe!
But it will break my mother’s heart leaving her just like that so I
stayed. When we got there my Aunt was surprised to see me. Shocked even. I guess she knew me all too well, “Ano ginagawa mo dito? Di ka naman umaattend sa mga ganito ah.” To which I replied, “Oo nga eh, naiinis kasi ako sa bahay eh.” My aunt’s kids are inside the house, I managed to smile at them, to be honest, I don’t even remember talking to them for more than 5 minutes, that’s all I did, smile and try to get as far away as soon as possible.
I didn’t know what to do but I sure didn’t want to socialize so I did what I did best, sit in one corner and find something to read. My mother sat with me, I felt relieved but it only lasted for a few minutes, before I could start a conversation with her she sprung up and
went upstairs, she wanted to see how a gargantuan television worth P185,000 or is it P85,000 looked like. I wanted to tail along with her but… little girl ba ako? I found books and gossip magazines, they ought to keep me company, I though to myself. When guests started to arrive that’s when it hit me, “What have I gotten myself into?” I pretended I was totally enjoying reading the gossip magazines I didn’t even notice them, that’s how bad
my social skills are, They all looked familiar but I’m sure I have not talked to them ever. Anyway, my strategy was working, nobody approached me, ikaw na ang magbasa ng nakasimangot, tingnan mo kung lapitan ka pa. Everything was okay, at least for me, until my sister arrived with her new boyfriend, everyone greeted them an in-law even said that my sister
looked like Gian or Guia from Pinoy Big Brother, who the heck is Gian?
I really need to watch local shows para naman maka-relate ako kahit paano paminsan-minsan,
and I have been watching believe it or not, a new friend of mine recommended two shows, one is Jumong, it’s based on real events of Korean history daw but they’ve thrown in a little love story to make it a little more interesting but I couldn’t catch up, sa DVD na lang siguro. And then there’s this game show at around 1 in the morning, to be honest I rather enjoyed watching it, the host was funny,witty and most of all ka-birthday ko pa muntik na akong sumali sa totoo lang pero anti-social nga ako, di ba? Anyway, pinagkaguluhan ang boyfriend ng sister ko, he’s Chinese so they all felt connected to him, if you don’t know yet, my mom’s Chinese eh di syempre Chinese din mga kapatid nya, hehe… I think I tried to smile and looked friendly pero feeling ko fake pa din eh, I had no choice tapos ko nang basahin lahat ng magazines alangan naman basahin ko pati books, mabibitin lang ako. And then a bright idea came to mind, I started texting almost everyone I knew, hoping they would text back to keep me busy, some did yun iba suplado’t mga suplada, hmpf! Then my aunt approached me and whispered "He's hardworking." "Are you serious?" I said, "You talked to hi for, like, 3 minutes and yu could tell that the man is hardworking?" "Yes," she said firmly, "he held my hand and it was rough, it means that he's hardworking." "Ganun?"
My mother said the guy loked like a "ponga" whatever that means, I'm not
sure about it but in fairness to the guy, he's kinda cute pero medyo
chubby eh and ... I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong but I smell
"paminta" all over him. His shirt just didn't look right... tama na nga baka mabasa pa ng sister ko ito!
I better wait and see. The new boyfriend came and brought along old issues about my sister, my mother and I couldn't help but feel worried about my litte-devil of a niece. I worry about her and my mother. It's so frustrating, I was fuming mad inside the the boyfriend's car on our way home. I can't write it, it's too personal. Ask me na lang. Hahaha!!!
I think I learned my lesson well, I'll never make a last minute decision when I'm angry. I came with my mother to escape from my frustrations and I ended up feeling doubly frustrated.

Of Letting Go (or not)

It's been almost six months since my father died and I still haven't gotten over his death yet. There are times when I feel like screaming and crying, I don't, of course, I'm good at hiding, pending, bottling up my feeling of loss of a loved one. How coud I ever get over it when I still haven't gotten over my first child's death yet? I don't think I ever will. The difference between them is that I know all the time that my daughter is dead but with my father... sometimes I forget that he's gone and when I'm reminded of it, it feels like a blow in the chest. like a bomb exploded inside of me and I'm left numb for a minute and then I imagine his face... he's so alive in my mind's eye. I find it hard to believe that he's really gone. As I am wrting this I'm in near tears and trying so hard to hold it back. I told you, I'm very good at it. I think I will never completely heal, I could never let go. I'm afraid of letting go. I fear of not remembering his face, his smell, his presence. I miss my father so much. I know it sounds so cliche but I really wish I spent more time with him. I miss talking to him. We talked about God, religion, David Attenborrough, Gringo Honasan, Robert Ludlum and how irritating my mother can be sometimes. We talked about a lot of things, sometimes we would end up in a heated argument but at the end of the day he's still my father and I was his daughter, we would forget about the argument and start another one. Hahaha...

His death's a blur still. All I can remember right now is that I sat in a corner and cried until I couldn't cry anymore while he was lying in the hospital in a coma. I was a mess, I was lost, I wasn't talking, I was screaming inside my head, nobody heard me.
I hope someday I could write about it. I hope it comes back, just have to dig a little deeper inside my brain, I guess.

Easier said than done.

IARFA

I went to my former school today. I would've went there straight from work but I realized that it's only 6:30 in the morning so I had no other choice but to go home first. Anyway, I went there to meet someone and discuss things, things that I won't reveal just yet. But I will when the right time comes (naks!).

I got there at around 8:30 a.m., at the back of my mind I knew that I was too early but I went ahead anyway, I was secretly hoping that I don't get to see them.

I was right! there was no one there so I left a note and slipped my ______ in the window or was it the door? I'm not sure now.

I wanted to go home immediately and sleep but somehow I stayed awhile and looked around. At first glance the school looked the same but it's not, a lot have changed since I graduated a little more that ten years ago! Gosh, I feel soooo old! I wasn't sure what to do or where to go but my feet seemed to know where to go, at the Institute of Architecture and Fine Arts, of course! So went there I did, or at least where I thought I remembered it was... I walked towards the IARFA building like I had a purpose going there, I walked like it's nobody's business! Then a wall greeted me, a flat beige wall. I looked around but there was no one. What happened to my building I thought to myself. It was here ten years ago. Haha!!!

I finally asked around and they told me that IARFA is now located at what used to be the university hospital. So went there I did. The building was nice and new but the view from the top was awesome. The classrooms are clean, tidy and quiet, not at all what you'd expect from young people studying fine arts. The classrooms are airconditioned, ten years ago we were sweating to death doing oil paintings and what not. Oooops! I need to correct myself, I wasn't sweating back then, I was perspiring to death. You know what I always say "women don't sweat, we perspire."

I ended up asking for people I used to know, it would have been nice had I remembered their names, I described them but no one seemed to catch my drift. They must thought I was a crazy person. Then I remembered Mr. Kho, my favourite professor, he's still teaching I was told but he wasn't there this morning. What a bummer! It would have been fun talking to him, sayang!

So, if were to assess my "mission" this morning, I'd say it was a failure. Nothing happened. Sana I stayed home na lang and watched AC360. Natuwa pa ako!

It's been awhile since I last updated my blog, a lot of things have happened, a lot of things have changed. If you know me all too well then you'd know that I'm not a big fan of change, as a matter of fact I try to keep things the way they are for as long as I could. All in vain.

Anyways, not a lot of you know that I've found me another job, for the nth time. I was planning to take at least a month-long break before I hunt for another job when this company emailed me for an interview, I had nothing else to do so I went, I learned that the job they're offering has got nothing to do with what I usually do but I took their offer anyway for two reasons: one, they'll train and make an InDesign expert out of me and two, I've got nothing better to do at home so I figured I might as well take this job to tide me over until i decide what to do next with my life.

I had no plans of staying here, to be honest. Everything here is different. Being an artist, I've always been isolated from the rest of the people, I had no problems with it, as a matter of fact, I rather enjoyed it. I'm not a very social person. I could survive the whole 8 hours in the office without having to talk to someone. I've always had my own space, all mine. It's all different here, I don't have my own little office, I don't have my own little space, we're all exposed, nowhere to hide. I don't have a choice but to interact with people. It was a great adjustment for me, it took a lot of effort, really. I never thought I'd last this long, it's been three months.

To be honest, after my first two days here, I wanted not to comeback. I didn't think I could adjust, being around this many people everyday was just too much for me to handle. I had to smile all the time, argh!

But you know what? I'm glad I stayed for a little while longer, I'm still not an InDesign expert but I get the job done... eventually. Ha ha ha!!! And I sharpened my PR skills, it was hard work, even harder than my training but I cope, I've made friends, I couldn't be any happier. I don't suffer much from technology withdrawal anymore like I used to because I have enough socializing everyday. I just realized that I've been very busy for the last three years of my life living my life on the internet that's why I didn't mind not making friends and socializing in real life. I have no regrets, I've "met" wonderful, kind and generous people through the net, I hope to keep it that way. However, my blogging may not be as often as it used to be.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

... And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Those lines kept repeating in my head over and over again until my head hurt. Don't just lie there, fight! Wake up! I wanted to shout at him while he was in the ICU, being kept alive by machines.

He was strong, his strength was like a blessing and a curse for us. We feared him and yet we rely on him all our lives. He made troubles go away, he always mae us feel safe.
Seeing him lying there was heartbreaking, he was so quiet, so "dead."It's God's will, it's his time t o go, I told myself repeatedly just to make sense of what was happening. It all happened so fast, it felt like I was watching a movie. It was so real and yet everything's a blur.

He was a fighter, when he had his second stroke back in 2000, the doctors said he may not do the things he'd normally do but my father proved them wrong . He was a fighter. I was so sure he'd wake up, I was so sure he'll get through it. I know my father, he just wouldn't give up without a fight... but he didn't... he left us so quietly, so peacefully. We never had our goodbyes...

It was his time to go, it's God's will. I still say to myself, I believe it. It keeps me from crying all the time.