Today
The sky is gray, stripped of all its color and life. The usually bright blue, yellow orange and even lavender sky that greets me every morning is hiding somewhere behind the gray and dark clouds.

Weeks Ago
I was floating in water not giving a damn where I’d end up, just floating carelessly, not a light in sight, just darkness. The sky was bursting with colors but I saw only black and gray.

Today
The sky is literally black and gray, it’s like watching them in a black and white TV but I see glorious colors in bright blue, orange and yellow, I feel hopeful and looking forward to the next day if God will still allow me to live and see it.

I’ve never felt more alive and thankful for this life. A life full of trials and suffering but trials and sufferings make life interesting, I know that now. I feel like a secret door in my heart’s been opened and now I see everything. I wish to God I keep this feeling with me forever, the feeling of hope.

From Howie to Rod

Last monday night, I stayed up late as in really, really late to watch TV. It's was holiday the following day so I didn't have to worry about waking up early. I even told my husband that I'd watch TV 'til 5 a.m. I was flipping channels when I chanced upon a local show, I-Witness, it's been ages since I last watched it so I thought I'd stay and wait on what they had to offer. The report/docu that evening or morning was about funny Filipino names, I thought it was interesting and something I can definitely relate to so I stayed and watched, oh, who am I kidding? I stayed and watched because of the presentor, Howie Severino.
???

Okay... I've got another confession to make, I used to watch Saksi because of Howie, his segment, Sidetrip, is the 2nd reason. He reminds me of Rod Nepomuceno. Well, they don't really look alike but in some strange way, Howie reminds me of Rod Who is Rod Nepomuceno you ask? Well, I used to have a major crush on him, until I discovered Anderson Cooper, of course. Come to think of it, I've forgotten everyone because of Anderson.

Rod is a lawyer and has a column on Philippine Star called It's A Wonderful Life and he is also the Corporate Affairs Director for MTV Philippines. But I knew Rod when he was still an anchor for a news program on channel 4, I was still in college then. I even went to the millennium celebration on Ayala Avenue not because I like to party but because Rod was hosting it, I wanted to see him upclose. I was heartbroken when he got married… NOT!

He's funny, smart and sweet, I e-mailed him one time about his article and he emailed me back! He told me he'd print my email, put it on a frame and hang it on his wall because of something I said to him. He's a good guy.

I can't believe I've forgotten all these little details in my past. It's feels so weird right now, all those memories are coming back, all these hidden somewhere in my brain were unlocked because of Howie.

Most of my friends knew of my Rod obsession but I don't think I told anyone about Howie, though. I don't even know why I'm so embarrassed to admit it. Hay naku!

i miss anderson :(

Anderson is on vacation this week, I was told. To get my mind off of him I browsed the internet not particularly looking for anything when I found this:

This, of course is Gary Lightbody, lead vocalist and songwriter for Snow Patrol (i've got a bit of a crush on him).

Doesn't it remind you of this:

Anderson is haunting me, haha!!!

My oldself is back, I think. I thought about what's been bothering me that rendered me unable to communicate what I felt. I did cry when no one's around and prayed a lot, too. The good news is that I'm feeling better now but the bad news news I still haven't told anyone about what really bothered me, I hinted a few to my closest friends but I didn't really tell what's going on. I think I'm okay now. I just hope it doesn't come back to haunt me anytime soon. I know trials and tribulations will forever follow me and I hope to God to give strength and help me keep my faith.

I ignored and pushed it aside. It didn't work. I tried to spend more time in the office and less at home. Failed. I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't even let my friends feel that something is eating me up. I tried so hard to act like everything was fine, nothing was wrong. I was sleeping a lot. Wishing that when I wake up, I'd feel better.

None of it worked but I couldn't force myself to open up and talk about it openly.

Think of it, I dared not. Acknowledging it was the least thing I wanted to do. Every time I give it a shot... it knocks me cold, it angers me and then I go numb.

It's something that I hold sacred. It's something that I thought I'd feel forever. Something that will assure me that will never change. God knows I'm afraid of changes. I hate changes. I like things the way they are. But lately, change is the only thing that's happening to me. And this change is happening inside of me. I wanted so much to keep it locked inside... forever. I should have a control over it but it has a mind of it's own, it's running... flying... away from me and I can't keep up. It's leaving me, please comeback!

It's Beginning to Get to Me

I need to feel breathless with love


And not collapse under its weight


I'm gasping for the air to fill


My lungs with everything I've lost

I'm a bit upset today, I'm not sure why. All I know is that so many things are going on with my life right now and I have not told a soul about it yet, my husband included. I don't know what came over me but I just don't feel like telling anyone... just for the time being.

This not me, I usually tell somebody about what's going on with me, heck, I write it in my blog, so I guess, I tell everyone. But this time I'm keeping things to myself.

Everything looks normal on the outside but inside... I'm drowning... but I don't want anyone's help.

I'm screaming... silently. I wish to escape...

I want to live inside my head for a while...

Gary!

Gary is still on my mind... I can't get him out of there ever since that dream. I feel like I'm wasting time chasing Gary in my mind. I love, love their band since I heard the song "Chocolate" from their album Final Straw. They're just super, great songs and nice band name, hehe...

Last night I tried to crack open the reason why I seem to be going crazy over him this past few days, it can't be about the dream, it's just too ridiculous but then again... I am ridiculous most of the time, so... that explains a lot.

But really, why? He is skinny just like Anderson so that explains a whole lot but arguably not as goodlooking! I mean, I think his nose is too big for his face and you really need to find a right angle to show his cuteness. But kidding aside... I must have liked him before but I was so busy obssessing over Anderson so I didn't bother to notice him. I've always been drawn to him I think. It might have been the reason why I like watching the video of Chocolate so much, there's something about him, he is pulling me... but I try to resist him conciously, and my dream made me realize how much I fancy him.Okay, I need to confess something, I like skinny guys, sure! but I am also attracted to writers. I love men who can communicate through words, I like men who play with words. And Gary is a damn good songwriter. Oh, I believe I have not mention yet that I used to be obsessed with Sting and Jim Morrison, poets and writers they sure are.

I guess, I got me a new obsession... aside from Anderson, of course.

I Fancy You Now

I had the weirdest dream last night, in my dream I was back in college and I was classmates with Gary Lightbody! I wasn’t even thinking about him, I listen to him almost everyday but I don’t think of him. Sometimes I get the weirdest dream you can imagine. But I must admit, he is rather easy on the eye in “person.” Now, I can’t stop seeing him in my mind’s eye. I think I fancy him now.

Gary’s not the only thing in my mind right now, in fact, my mind is full of things that I don’t really need, like Chelsea Dagger, you know, that song by The Fratellis, I can’t get it out of my head. I’m singing it out loud when nobody’s around and I am singing it in my head when I’m talking to people.

I can't get them out of my head! I'm not sure I want them to, I need them to occupy my mind, they kinda make me forget about my troubles.

It's good to be back

It's so good to be back! I think i've seen the the strongest storm in my life... well, okay, it's not the strongest that ever hit Metro Manila but it was the first storm that i have ever seen, literally! My kids and I were at the second floor of our house in front of the glass sliding door fronting our terrace. Ooops, didn't everyone adviced us not to stand in front of the window or glass door in case of a storm? I didn't listen.

My kids and I saw everything! Roofs being ripped from houses, woods, chunks of metals, branches of trees being carried by the gusting wind of 185 kph and, of course, let's not forget about the punishing torrential rains. The next day, I saw the most beautiful day in my life! The sun was up in all it's glory, the birds were chirping happily but the trees... the big old trees... which once stood proudly along Estrada street, were now uprooted with no dignity left and now considered a road obstruction.

The city was paralyzed, I wasn't able to watch the news as most part of the city had no electricity even when the electricity was restored... the cable was still out so no TV still for us. But we're back to normal now. It's so good to be back!

When we got our cable connection back... boy, oh, boy! The timing was perfect! I saw the Ac360 commercial last night, he's back on the field and he'll be spending time with me (on CNNI) from Wednesday to Friday! Again... it's so good to be back!