Back To You

Okay, this deserves to be posted.

When I saw him smoking a cigarette (with Linda!!!) last week I swear I didn't love him anymore. Ha ha! So gradeschool, I know. 

I'm posting this now so I guess it goes without saying that he's forgiven and I love him again. 

Of Lunch and Dissapointment

I am in no position to demand that you be here for lunch as a matter of fact I am very grateful that you take time to be with me on my break but I get really disappointed when you text that you can't come. Truth be told, I feel lost and abandoned without you. Sigh. 


At some point I know I should back away.

Massive Attack

No, this is not about the Canadian lone wolf (?) terrorist attack. 

Right. Massive headache. People talking. No way out. Deadly combination, I know. Makes one think of things... and that's big deal considering that I don't think of hurting people no matter how hard they hurt me. I guess I'm writing this to exonerate myself from the eventual murder that I am about to commit.  

Marooned No More

What the hell! All of a sudden I'm loving Maroon 5 again. A couple of years ago I kind of got tired of then so I deleted all M5 songs on my itunes, then probably a year after that decision I decided that I love them again, and then I forgot about them...until now. 

Okay, two words, Lost Stars. 

When I first listened to the song I thought it was okay and then the falsetto part came, that blew me away! I know it's not that big a deal but it blew me just the same. I like guys who can pull off a wicked falsetto, e.g. Chris Martin, Brandon Flowers, that guy from The Darkness, Bono, etc. Lost Stars made me realize why I fell in love with M5 in the first place. Adam's girly voice. And I say that with nothing but admiration.

Not Right

Do you know that feeling that something is not right and you just can't prove it yet? My gut is telling me that. 

Something is not right. 

I feel like I'm being led to believe that nothing's changed but really there is. It's happening gradually so I don't feel it much like the earth moving, you don't feel it moving but you see the change. 

For one, we don't talk like we used to. We don't laugh like we used to. Oh yes, this is about my friend again. So here's what I fear the most: I'm afraid that he has lost his interest in me because he's found another to hang out with. Either that or he thinks I'm (oh my gosh!) boring. There I said it. I'm about to cry now. The worst part is I don't have anyone left, i have lots of friends but he's my closest friend, I don't want anyone else. (To be fair, he's not the type who shows his emotions, well, he shows frustrations and anger sometimes but other than that he's good at hiding his feelings. )

I'm trying to build my defenses, most times I act like everything's cool, I'm fine on my own, appearing strong when I'm at my weakest, laughing at jokes, that kind of shit. I even went out last night with my other friends, I will need support when he finally decides to get rid of me, got to be ready. But then we started to talk, blah, I tried to connect with them but it didn't happen, I hope they didn't notice. Sad, I know.

Big change is going to happen, I can feel it and I will end up, well, crying. 

I need someone to talk to right now. He's my go-to friend, he listens to my shit. Wow! I am in real trouble, I have no one.

Picking Up The Pieces

So we had lunch and we talked. 

It was serious, I felt the gravity of our situation the moment we left the office. It felt like a make or break moment for us. It's all or nothing. Tell everything or  lose everything. 

Turns out it wasn't just me with pent-up feelings, I mean, things were said and some of it were misunderstood because nobody bothered to ask. It went on for weeks, we pretended everything was okay but deep inside we were hurting. Wait, I can only speak for me, I was hurting, which led to over-thinking, which led to depression. I've had it before so I know. I can't explain how I know it but the best explanation I can give you is that it feels like there's a dark cloud following me and no matter what I do the sun's ray is unable to reach me. I felt dark and gloomy.

It was the first time we talked/fought seriously, we used to fight before like yelling at each other and we've even gone through a week without talking to each other but somehow I knew in my heart that we'd still be friends again. We just got to ride it out like a storm. 

It definitely didn't feel that way today so I was worried that I'd lose a friend.

He admitted his mistake, he was sorry he said. I believed him. I explained to him why I was behaving oddly, he understood. We agreed that we should always ask if anything is unclear and he made me promise that I go tell him right away if something isn't right. 

Everything seems better now. 

Old Friend

Looks like you and I are back together again. Come to think of it, you are the only friend that's always been there for me. You've never let me down, ever. So here's to us. I'd be living inside my head yet again. Needless to say you'd be hearing from more me from now on. Here's why:

I think I just lost a friend. I never thought it'd be as painful as this. This feels similar to a breakup between lovers. More painful even. I am very committed to my friend, I've always felt secure that he felt the same way about me but I am not sure anymore. It's breaking my heart. 

What he said to me last week just killed me not to mention the way he's been treating me lately. What's happening? He's slipping away from me and I can't do anything. I wish we could talk. 

I'm not very fond of people so it's not a surprise that I only keep a few friends in my life. Not a very good idea. 

Over Oberyn

Okay this seems a bit late but I am still mending a broken over Oberyn's death. I still couldn't get enough of him. 

Funny how I hated him the first time he appeared in GoT. But as I got to know him episode after episode I found myself falling for him, deeper and deeper. 

It all started when he had his talk with Tyrion, about the first time they met and how Cersei treated treated Tyrion when he was a baby. But my gosh! My heart melted and fell in love with him big time when he volunteered to be Tyrion's champion. 

Why do you have to die? Why didn't you stop talking and finish that mountain (no pun intended) of a man first?

You broke my heart.