On Being Brave Part 2

The photoshoot had been scheduled. Invites had been sent. I had to ping him twice before he finally came down to the set. He was too busy, he said.

My heart was pounding the whole time I was waiting for him. I told you it's a schoolgirl kind of crush. I was trying to calm myself, I didn't want him to notice anything, and it’s embarrassing as it was already. When he finally came, the photographer immediately got up and turned on the lights, he, came to me and asked if he was wearing the right coat to which I replied it was fine. I can tell he was trying to lighten up the mood. Two of my officemates whispered that I should approach him and fix his collar, I didn't.

Anyway, the shoot went well, I was seated the whole time, paralyzed more like. I wish I could recall more of what happened, he came, he posed, I turned into a statue, he left.

On Being Brave

A few days ago I decided to be brave.

I decided to send the email my officemate had been begging me to send. What's the email for? It's for a manager that I needed to shoot for a teaser ad campaign in the office. Why can't I press send? Because I have, like, a schoolgirl kind of crush on him. Yeah that's right! I'm quite ashamed to admit it really but it is what it is. I'm too old for that, I know.
I attended an onboarding orientation in the office two years ago, wait, I think I can remember the date, it was May 6, 2016. I was about to fall asleep when he came in. Tall, lean, and confident. He talked a little funny, at the time though, I thought he was drunk or something or maybe I was just too sleepy. But one this was certain that day, I found myself an office crush. He talked about finances, I pretended I understood. Now, if only he’d look my way… he didn’t.

We worked on different floors so I rarely see him and when I do I instantly get reduced to a shy little girl, blushing and all. I couldn't keep my heart still when he's around, it felt like my heart's about to leap out of my chest. It felt terrible really. It’s been like that for two years. Nothing serious.

Fast forward to two weeks ago and the email that couldn't be sent. When I finally sent it I thought I'd feel a sigh of relief, I thought that was the end of it. I forgot I needed a reply from him. I was not able to sleep that night, silly me, losing sleep over an email. In the morning, I nervously opened my email and saw a reply! I saw his name on my inbox, it felt like a good day. I opened the mail, read his reply and realized I wasn't important. "Noted." Was all he said. Gosh! I never thought an innocent word like that would feel like an arrow through the heart. He didn't even type my name. I hated him! Yuck!

Liking someone is a messy business... it can either make or break your day… a nice reply would've made my day that day.

Things Are Looking Up...

I'm feeling way better now, thank God! Turns out I was having a bit of a burnout matched with some domestic problems. Daughter problem mostly. I just can't seem to get use to her attitude towards me. No matter what I do we just always clash. Maybe we're too much alike...I don't know.

Anyway, Game of Thrones got me going, it made me long for next week and the next... And then Jon Snow died! 

I'm still not over it, I'm still looking, reading for clues that he just might still ne alive. 

Things are better in the office too. I have this project that I rather find enjoyable. Very stressful but I'm loving it.