How can you not love them?

I find it so hard to talk to my daughter these days, and she’s only 6 years old! Everytime she says something, I need to decode it. About a year ago, when she was

starting to learn how to spell words, a typical conversation in our
house would be like this:

Gillian: Nanay, can we have H-O-T-D-O-G for B-R-E-K-F-A-S-T?
Me: Sure, anak. Pero B-R-E-A-K-F-A-S-T yun.

Gillian: Nanay, sabi ni T-E-A-C-H-E-R bring daw kami ng M-A-N-I-L-A P-A-P-E-R sa S-C-H-O-O-L T-O-M-O-R-R-O-W.
Me: Sige, pero sleep ka na.
Gillian: O-K-A-Y.

Now that she’s in grade one, she’s taking it a notch higher, she’s now talking backwards. She now talks like this:

Gillian: Nanay, gagawa daw kami ng glaf sa school para sa margorp next keew.
Me: What!?

Gillian: Sakal naman ng nalu!
Me: Ano!

Gillian: Yannan, where’s the etomer?
Me: Ano daw? Tony, kausapin mo nga anak mo!

How can you not enjoy motherhood? I only wish somebody told me that things like this will happen. I wonder what she’s gonna do next year?

And about my Balong, well, he’s not too crazy about school, he lives for the weekend, may pinagmanahan. I’m a little worried about him, though. He looks normal but I think something is wrong with him. I suspect he is dyslexic, how else can you explain his disability to write? Baka nahihirapan yun bata? It’s okay, I told myself. A lot of successful people are dyslexic, it shouldn’t be too much of a problem naman siguro. Tom Cruise is dyslexic, i-compare talaga kay Tom, of all people. Even Anderson Cooper had a mild form of dyslexia. But then again, I can be too paranoid sometimes. OA lang siguro ako. He can write his name but he doesn’t write like Gillian. My friends keep telling me not to compare him to Gillian, but I can’t help it.

All he does is draw, he loves drawing and coloring. And he loves me, I’m still the only girl in his life and I so enjoy it. Although, just last week, he told me something that still brings smile to my face everytime I am reminded of it, he said "Nanay, mahal ko na sya, ok lang?" referring to Kitchie Nadal, we were watching her "Same Ground" video at the time. "Yes anak, it’s ok," I told him. I’m not worried, I’m sure he’ll get over her. I don’t really think Kitchie is a competition, I am my son’s only girl, or at least for now.

Feeling Blue

IT ALL CAME DOWN TO RETRENCHMENT. It was inevitable the management said (feeling a bit "Carnivale"-ish).
We had a meeting in the office yesterday and we were told that some people will be voted out (feeling reality tv). Some people had to be sacrificed for the greater good. Yeah, right!
Although I was half-sure that I won’t be voted out because voting me out wasn’t gonna help the company. I’m the only person left in our department! For crying out loud! I’m still standing… for how long? I don’t know.
I still get to keep my job but I’m upset nevertheless.
I couldn’t help but think what if it happened to me, I don’t have anything to fall back on, only the loving arms of my family – and their love and support won’t pay the bills! My kids will only be too thrilled to finally have me in their lives 24/7. But I wonder if they would still be happy to be with me if I won’t be able to buy them their "Happy Meals" and ice creams? How long will it take me to control myself before I hit them so they will stop pestering me. Will I be able contain myself and not let them see me cry when that happens? Life is so hard. We all need money to survive – that’s the sad truth.
I’m not myself today. I’m bitter and jaded. I hate it.

In God’s Time

I think I might have to find me a new job!
My current office has become my comfort zone and I have become too comfortable for my own good! I’ve been planning to find a new company to work for since last year…but laziness got the better of me.
But is it really laziness? (I think I’ve fallen in love with my MAC G4, I can’t leave my Mac! feeling akin talaga?)

When I resigned from my previous employer…I wasn’t really looking for a new job, well, I was looking but not seriously, I mean, I was serious but…I can’t really explain… this job that I have now, it sort of like fell on my lap, I prayed for a new job (mahigit isang taon din yun ah) and God gave it to me, though not immediately, but still, He gave what I asked for.
Six years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom, I was eager to go back to work but I was also hesitant because I wasn’t sure if I were competent enough to be part of the work force again. I went crazy, the whole time I was at home, sure, I was playing mommy to my kids…I pretended to be sane whenever I was with them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids with all my heart and I really enjoy being with them but something inside of me was crying for help. I felt depressed. I was angry for no reason. I was always crying for no reason. I was silently screaming at the top of my lungs!
My husband couldn’t understand me. How could he? When I, myself, couldn’t understand me.
I became bestfriends with Oprah and Dr. Phil at the time, because of "Oprah" I had reasons to cry. Do you remember that time (around 1999) when Oprah was already really BIG in America and she said that she won’t be featuring celebrities on her shows because she didn’t really need the ratings anymore? Instead she’d be featuring themes that would promote self healing and forgiving people that hurt you and other stuff like that, well, that was the time when she became my bestfriend. I watched her show every 1 pm on weekdays, faithfully. True enough, I learned ways to deal with the anger and frustrations I had in me. But mostly, it was post-partum depression that I suffered, the frustrations and anger came in as a result of my depression. I still consider her my bestfriend, mind you.
Anyway…what I really want to say is that, I got a call one day from a friend of mine, she asked me if I wanted to work again, "Heck YES!" I said. That was it, I was working since then. It was what I needed, I needed to feel productive again, I wanted to help my husband financially. God helped me, He knows what I needed and He gave it to me exactly when I needed it.
So, now, I’m like, waiting for it to happen again, I’m still looking for a job, sure, but I guess I am waiting for God to make it happen. I know He will give me a new job, not just now…I know he will… someday. In His time, not mine.

My (not so) Secret Life as a Tutor

For about a month now I’ve been spending my weekends in Bel-Air, Makati. I am now a part-time tutor, instead of spending my weekends with my kids…I am hanging out with a Korean girl from International School. What a bad mother my kids must think of me!
I really didn’t want to accept this tutoring job, I cancelled our meeting 3 times, hoping that she’ll get mad and finally decide that I am not what she’s looking for. I told her that I don’t do freehand drawings anymore and I’m too busy with my work, but the truth was I wasn’t really sure if I could still draw. It’s been more than 8 years since I last drew something that I could be proud of and I’m not sure if I could squeeze her in my schedule – with my motherly duties and all.
But she won’t leave me alone!
So, I agreed to meet her at last, I took Frauline with me, of course. She really could come in handy just in case the Korean girl turns out to be a spoiled brat or something worst. Frauline could easily make anyone laugh. So, anyway, the Korean girl turned out to be a very cute and sweet girl. Frauline mentioned that she looked like Sandara Parks, I agreed with her although I didn’t know who Sandara Parks was. She still insisted that I tutor her, I told her that I really can’t but I will find her another "teacher", I was thinking of Jess at the time, but he was in Cebu. So I didn’t really have a choice but to take the tutoring job. I also got Frauline as a substitute tutor whenever I am not available. Instead of one she got two tutors instead.
Then she told us about the drawings that she needed, she needed 3 drawings, a bicycle, an interior or exterior environment and anything of her choice. She said she needed those drawings as a requirement for a school in New York. WHAT!!! Did I hear it right? Did she really say New York? Suddenly, I thought about Anderson Cooper, he lives in New York and works for CNN New York and this Korean girl is going to New York, wow! do you see the connection here?
My planned 15-minute meeting with
her extended to almost 2 hours, I eventually told her that I am crushing on
some anchor/reporter named Anderson Cooper from CNN NY, but she doesn’t know him so I took out his picture from
my bag (may picture talaga?) and showed her. "Yeah, I know him!" she said. Hay, salamat!
We ended up laughing and giggling like high
school girls…wait a minute, she is in highschool, we’re not. I even
half-jokingly asked her to go all stalker-ish on Cooper when she gets
to New York. "I’ll try." she said.
Thinking back, she must think I’m nuts.
"When do you want us to start?" I asked her with a straight face cause I didn’t want to reveal the wicked thoughts inside my head (this girl could be my ticket to NY). "Right away." she said. That’s my story, that’s how I ended up being a tutor and staying my weekends with her.
It’s been a fun ride eversince, Frauline and I would go to Starbucks in Rockwell every weekend and wait for her driver to pick us up. Frauline and I feel like we’re in college again, beating school project deadlines, buying magazines and other art materials ( I carry my sketch pad with me everywhere I go nowadays), talking silly, laugh all afternoon and teaching the kid filipino lessons for free.
Oh and that part about her, being my ticket to NY… just kidding folks! Just one of my delusions.