... And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Those lines kept repeating in my head over and over again until my head hurt. Don't just lie there, fight! Wake up! I wanted to shout at him while he was in the ICU, being kept alive by machines.
He was strong, his strength was like a blessing and a curse for us. We feared him and yet we rely on him all our lives. He made troubles go away, he always mae us feel safe.
Seeing him lying there was heartbreaking, he was so quiet, so "dead."It's God's will, it's his time t o go, I told myself repeatedly just to make sense of what was happening. It all happened so fast, it felt like I was watching a movie. It was so real and yet everything's a blur.
He was a fighter, when he had his second stroke back in 2000, the doctors said he may not do the things he'd normally do but my father proved them wrong . He was a fighter. I was so sure he'd wake up, I was so sure he'll get through it. I know my father, he just wouldn't give up without a fight... but he didn't... he left us so quietly, so peacefully. We never had our goodbyes...
It was his time to go, it's God's will. I still say to myself, I believe it. It keeps me from crying all the time.
3 comments:
Its always a big shock when a parent dies. Especially if they go before their time, even old age leaves us with a deep hurt & feeling of disbelief. There is no acceptable age for them to go.
Not too long ago I lost my youngest son and that's something I can never get over. However I've found that I get strength by believing he is with God and for some unknown reason is probably better off than we are.
Maybe you didn't get to say goodbye because it isn't really goodbye, it's till you meet again. They always talk about saying goodbye but I think it's a thing of the movies. For weeks before my Dad went, he didn't speak at all; the only sound you heard were him moaning in pain. The doctor told us, you can have him lucid but in pain, or you can have him sleeping all the time and pain free. Obviously, we chose pain free. You can't bear to have another human being, let alone a loved one suffering and in pain all the time.
As much as we want them to stay here with us and for us, sometimes it's better for them to go. It might not seem like it now, but it's a blessing that he was so peaceful.
I am so sorry for your loss and I know from experience how painful it is. Eventually though, you were be able to concentrate on the good and happy memories and the life you shared.
Take care!
thank you so much for your kind words... i really appreciate it.
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